What the Heck is Happening?
Have you ever had moments where you felt like you were sitting still and the world was whizzing by you? It’s like those nighttime city scape pictures where taillights look like long red threads winding through the maze of chaos, and somehow you’re sitting there, dead center of it all. Maybe for you, the feeling lasted more than a moment. Maybe it was a week or a month, maybe even years.
I was feeling like that recently and it certainly lasted longer than a moment. Everything seemed to have direction and purpose and there I was stuck in the middle of a functioning world, seemingly not functioning myself. Truthfully, I felt afraid. Another truth, this feeling wasn’t because I lost a job, a house, or a partner. It was something completely different than that. Nonetheless, with whizzing taillight images in my mind, my stomach felt knotted and I tried to compact myself into a small, unnoticeable form. Maybe if I hid it would go away. Maybe if I closed my eyes it would be a dream when I woke up. Nope…tried those things and they didn’t work. So there I was feeling lost, confused, and searching for the escape route…
First, it’s important to know why I was feeling confined and confused. Again, the reason was not negative, rather quite the opposite. It was because I was growing, expanding, opening cracks and crevices to reveal things I couldn’t have imagined! My life seemed to be flowing along, met with similar challenges to what we all face, and then something really difficult and terrifying happened. I started to notice the truth and light trapped in my core was beginning to slip out of microscopic cracks in the surface. What the heck was happening?! Everything seemingly became coincidence. I had moments of pure intentional choice not to react outwardly to situations that caused fear or anger inside me. I could very easily respond to and understand things that I previously would have questioned, analyzed, and re-analyzed. Things that I quietly wished to myself actually started to happen. It was through that escaping truth and light that I have started to uncover who I really am! This was terrifying because, well, have you ever been asked to look at truth? A truth that was hiding for so long and decided to reveal itself out of nowhere? THAT can be scary at first!
You might be wondering how those cracks started? My answer is, they did because it was time. The truth and light trapped inside were ready to escape because the wall holding it back has been worn down enough for that energy to seep through. I spent much of this winter, more internalized than I have been in a few years. Admittedly, it is not difficult for me to shut down and go to the depths of my own internal source of energy. The problem with that is, I don’t always know what I’m looking for or how to interpret things I find. Then my mind ends up deciding it knows things and that just causes all kinds of problems.
This winter, while I certainly turned inward, I had assistance from two beautiful teachers. With their support in addition to the support of my mom, a few close friends and my husband, I could better navigate the depths of my being and I have started to understand the most surface layer of my truth.That truth spent the Winter hibernating, staying warm, and giving me time to feel comfortable with it. Although I am nowhere close to living in the bliss of my fully expressed truth,I am perhaps for the first time, ready to acknowledge it and let it grow. It is the start of Spring, a time of renewal, rejuvenation, and growth. Seemingly, the Universe has done the work for me and aligned timing.
Is there something in your truest inner light that has been warming all Winter and is now ready to unfold with Spring? In this time of growth and rebirth, let things bloom that are ready to bloom. Engage with the new sprouts of the season and observe them with curiosity. What is emerging in you and ready to grow?