This month began on a yoga retreat in Canada, specifically, in Banff National Park. The group that went is inspiring and the retreat leaders are goddesses. The adventures were endless and the scenery was breathtaking. The mountains and the trees rose into the sky for miles. The water was aquamarine and the air was the purest air I ever inhaled. Butterflies danced in the breeze and animals came out to play. Go ahead. Ooh and aah away. I still am!
This month also began with the death of my nineteen-year-old cousin, who lived her life in a body that offered her no freedom and no movement. She lived each and every day in a light of positivity, never complained, and beamed joy and pureness. This month also brings devastation reaching national significance and continued atrocities so great, that it’s becoming more and more difficult to move into each new day.
Right now, out loud for the very first time I’m saying, “I am a healer.” Yes, for some time I’ve been moving closer to unveiling that truth to myself. I ended up in various classes that I felt I had no place being and so many unexpected people entered my life. I’m acknowledging this Now, because it’s a truth I must accept, now more than ever. Enough of the selfish hiding and distancing from those seeking comfort and courage. Enough pretending that I don’t fit in this world. I do fit and my place is exactly where it should be, as it should be.
Many of us return from a summer adventure yoga retreat full of bliss and joy. We may feel revived and like our old skin has shed, allowing us to shine in our own new brilliance. Yes, I felt that and yes it is there, but for the first time I acknowledge how hurt and affected I am by the other things happening in the world around me. I haven’t integrated back into “real life” very well since the Banff retreat. In fact, I haven’t integrated at all. I feel raw and hallow, exhausted and dim. I’m overwhelmed and pained by “real life” and all the things that are our current world. I feel defeated.
As I spend the days moping, wondering why the heck I’m so lame, I read posts from others in my tribe and chat with close friends and teachers, realizing they get it. They not only get it, but they are experiencing the very same feelings and emotions and energetic drain! YES!! Thank goodness!! How about you? Have you recognized a feeling of emptiness and exhaustion lately? Were you experiencing it and avoiding it or experiencing it will full attention?
I kind of sort of apologize, but I’ve found light in the group feeling shadowed, knowing I wasn’t alone. I’ve found strength to shine brighter when the world seems the dimmest. I’ve found courage to accept a truth I haven’t fully accepted until just now, and courage to step out into the pain and be there for those who need healing and love.
Banff’s nature and clarity did their magic. My remaining barriers were washed away in the majestic rivers. My hardness was softened by the whispers of the trees and my truth sparkled in the starlight of the cloudless night sky. In the balance between my head and my heart, I have found light and compassion and I send that out to each and every one of you. I send strength as well as softness out to our world. I send love to the lightest and the darkest souls. My suffering and my pain joins with yours and together we weave connectedness and resilience.